It’s time to overreact: The Grumpy Old Man to Rant Week 8

Written by Craig Talley, the unofficial old man of the group on the Fantasy Life App. Find me on FL App @Slymsuknhogs or on Twitter @cbtalley

Ahhh, it’s here, a time where fall, football, and Halloween all meet causing a vortex of happiness for one awesome weekend each year.  We must honor my favorite holiday with a theme befitting of the time; all time great Scary Movies.

Happy Halloween everyone!

The Wolfman

There are times in all of our lives when we think things may not have gone our way or that it feels like the deck is stacked against us and we decide to say something.  At times it’s just a simple complaint or statement, sometimes it’s excuses, occasionally some of us will even yell, other times it’s just plain whining, and right now Cam Newton is definitely whining, dare I say howling at anyone that will listen to him about taking hard, possibly late, hits.  It’s happened so much, the NFL has even come out and said that 11 other QB’s have taken worse/late hits then Cam has, this season alone. 

So on a weekend that saw Alex Smith get knocked into next week and somehow be OK’d to come back into the game only to be clobbered again and have Alex not say one negative thing about it, I find it ridiculous that Cam complains yet again.  He plays his position pretty well, has seen good numbers (both real and Fantasy), is a good “field general”, but he also consistently puts himself in harms way, not just by running, but the way in which he runs.  He throws himself at first down markers, he hurdles himself at goal lines, all leading with shoulders and therefore head first.  And when’s the last time you remember Cam sliding?  He doesn’t, he dives, head first.  I don’t care what position you play, if you’re going to try and carry the football somewhere like that, the defense will get you, especially if you’re a quarterback.  So if you’re gonna play in that manner, don’t be ah, well, don’t be something that’s little, young, has fur, and meows.  Stop bitching and show us why your team shouldn’t be 2-5 Cam.

Halloween (Michael Myers)

I’m not sure what I expected more from the Patriots – Bills game, the complete dismembering of the Bills that New England achieved or the ah ‘member’ that Bills fans sent on to the field.  For those of you that didn’t see it, as the Patriots were driving to yet another score, literally in the middle of a play, those super classy Bills fans threw a, well um, they threw an item on the field that rhymes with Bilbo Baggins first name.  Wow that was weird using a literary great like The Hobbit in the same sentence as Bills fan.  I actually thought the funnier thing was watching the officiating crew try to deal with this thing.  Two or them looked at it, shrugged their shoulders and then looked at each other as if to say, I’m not gonna pick it up, you pick it up.  With that, one ref literally kicked it, repeatedly, to the sidelines.  Rather metaphoric don’t you think?

Live look at Tom Brady’s post game recovery treatment

Dracula

Is it just me or does it seem like someone has sucked the life out of Carson Palmer and the Cardinals?  For the past couple of years this has been one of the most exciting teams in the NFL and now when you watch them, it’s like the wind is out of their sails and they’re going through the motions and yet their stats seem no different.  It’s just been hard for me to balance what my eyes see, versus what my brain is telling me (and no it’s not Alzheimer’s you heartless young bastards), so I decided to look at all of the numbers from last year to this year.  Passing TD’s are down a bit, but Rushing TD’s are up about the same amount. 

The Defense isn’t giving up more yards or points, and turnovers are basically on the same pace as last year.  Their drives start about the same spot (29 yard line) and number of plays per drive is spot on (5.7), so for the most part, I found that the numbers are pretty similar, with two very interesting exceptions; field goals made and penalties.  Last year they made 28 field goals, this year they’re on pace for just 16.  Last year they committed 92 penalties for 758 yards, this year they’ll end up with around 110 for almost 900 yards.  That’s a 43% drop in field goals (points) and an upturn of more than 20% in penalties.  Coaches always say penalties are drive killers and players complain about how kickers can impact the game.  In the case of this year’s Cardinals, I think the bloodsuckers come with soccer cleats and yellow hankies.  The crazy thing is their record is 3-4-1, which means they’re only a game and a half back of the Seahawks. 

Frankenstein (or Franc en Schteen if you’re a Mel Brooks fan, right Eye Gor)

Nothing like a good Pirate fight on the tides of Tampa Bay right?  While most Raider fans from the black hole could possibly be confused with this pieced together man-bot, but you gotta love their teams’ offense.  It’s been fun to watch the maturation of Derek Carr and the rest of the Raiders offense this year.  Very Raider like to rack up 200 yards on 23 penalties, then have Carr go vertical for 4 touchdowns and over 500 yards to finally win it in OT; somewhere Al Davis is smiling.  At least Tampa Bay couldn’t blame the weather on this home loss.  This game for the Raiders was much like the real Frankenstein monster, it’s not pretty, but it’s working.

The Mummy

Oh those Cleveland Browns.  Every week they go out put up some points and try to dig themselves out of their hole with a win and yet every week they find a way to stay perfect, perfectly winless.  The Jets were doing their best to try and give them their first win, but it just wasn’t meant to be.  You have to wonder how it must feel to them to watch the Cavs win an NBA title and now watch the Indians within a game of winning the World Series, knowing their futility.  Is it their destiny to roam the streets looking for a win like the walking dead?  Looking at their upcoming schedule, the New York football Giants should be quivering in their cleats.

The Invisible Man

Ok, I’ve put up with it enough and I can’t take it any more.  These ridiculous color rush uniforms have got to go.  PLEASE make them disappear!  So ugly and just a pathetic marketing ploy to get more and more $$$.  And while we’re at it, go ahead and take the Thursday night games.  The “quality” of football in these mid-week games is so far from what we’ve come to expect from the NFL.  There’s an old saying that Pigs get fat and Hogs get slaughtered.  I think the NFL is getting very close to that very slight distinction.  And it’s such a joke that a league that gets on it’s high horse about player safety has those same players going out again after just 3 days rest.  Oh yeah and Gus Bradley, if I were you, I’d be interviewing real estate agents and moving companies (make sure you sign up for the extra insurance).  Funny how the Jags fired their OC, cuz you know THAT was the problem.

Hey, who put my Halloween selfie in here? 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Now get off my yard